The Duchess owes me $788.
The Duchess has not cut me a check as of yet, and it doesn't seem that she's even considering it anytime soon.
"How does a cat owe you $788?" you ask.
Well. First of all, $788 is the bare minimum she owes, for one thing.
There was the time she got too frisky with her brother Otter.
Two parakeet stitches at the vet: $289.
There are the many broken mid-century collectibles.
Can't put a price on those, Duchess.
There is One Miracle Sofa, shredded.
Again, priceless, as it is discontinued, however, reupholstering one Wonder Couch, $2000.
There is the matter of the traffic ticket incurred while driving her to get microchipped.
Going through a red light you didn't see because you were trying to comfort your traumatized cat who really, really, really hates going in the car: $399 (plus the extra fee for traffic school).
There are also all the times I pretended not to notice that she licked the raw chicken I was about to cook, but the less said about that the better.
And what do I get in return? Huh? Huh kitty? What do you give me in return, young lady?
Aw, come on, quit purring, dammit! Oh, Little Duchie!
ps: The Duchess has informed me that if people start leaving more comments ("especially Uncle Jake!") she might consider dropping me a twenty for some walking around money.