As long as I've lived in my fahbulous! West Hollywood pad, Dear Reader, I've driven by Splash, The Relaxation Spa on 3rd Street on my way to work every day.
Ever since its shout out on Kid Notorious, in which Evans predicted he would find Tom Cruise there, though I'm not really sure why he thought that, I've loved good old reliable Splash The Relaxation Spa even more, because anything that comes out of Evans' mouth is GOLD.
How many places can claim to be "Like Valentines Day... Every Day!" How many places do you know of, Dear Reader, where you can find hourly hot tub rentals for entertaining? How many spas do you know of have dark black mirrored glass fronts, so no one can see you're in there, so that you can escape the paparazzi and just chill with your sweetheart? I mean, really!
OH! THAT must be why Tom Cruise is liable to be there. Ok, I get it now.
Well, anyway, I was driving into work today, Dear Reader, giggling about something Joe on indie103.1 was saying, when I nearly caused a wreck upon seeing THIS:
(ok, pretend there's a picture here of Splash with the for rent sign on it and I'll put it up tomorrow)
NO! On THIS day, of all days, on VALENTINE'S DAY, for goodness' sake, how can Splash be gone? Over? Kaput? Closed down by one or more branches of the California Department of Health, the ASPCA, The Church of Scientology, and/or Greenpeace? HOW?
I mean, just because I never see anyone there, you know, during regular office hours, doesn't mean anything. Right? Who wants to hot tub with their friends away from the prying eyes of the public during daylight anyway? That's totally a post clubbing thing. See? So I wasn't worried.
It all happened so suddenly.
And I'm not the only one shocked - SHOCKED! - to see them go. Why, just look at what these poor folks had to say about their beloved Splash The Relaxation Spa!
"So depressing. First, there is really no parking to be had. ... When we finally got to the room, The Monte Carlo, it was dark, wet and creepy. The aquarium had only one fish in it --- a gross catfish like creature. So low rent that it wasn't even fun. We got out of there fast and went home to shower.
- Pros: none
- Cons: everything
- Overall user rating: Not Recommended"
Well, parking CAN be very depressing in West Hollywood, Dear Reader, I will admit. That's why I walk everywhere! But don't let it get you down, poor Splash clientele, at night there's hardly anyone on the street.
"Don't be fooled into believing that this is a ritzy, epicurean spa where you go to relax in comfort and luxury. This is a low class, overpriced meeting place for those in search of a "good time." The rooms are small, the showers are two-headed and there is a matress in every room!!! Hello??? Ladies: if a man takes you there, run because he doesn't think much of you. Gentlemen: if a woman takes you there, she's easy (which may or not be a good thing)- you decide. The only good thing is that your water is completely changed 10 times more often than required by law, but it should be because unsavory acts and liberated fluids warrant this kind of sanitation procedure.
You know, come to think of it, I don't think I've ever seen any ladies anywhere around Splash - though I have noticed some very tall ladies up on Sunset, I mean, they must be Amazons or something! - so I don't think this commenter has anything to worry about! And anything "tacky" they might feel in their suite, well, that can be wiped right off with some Formula 409.
"This is the best place to go and get freaky or to simply hide out.
- Pros: confidential
- Cons: prices
- Overall user rating: Average"
Yes, whenever I freak out, Dear Reader, I do just like to hide out for a while, confidentially relaxing in the hot tub and letting it all hang out. Sometimes I just need to unwind!
So you see, Dear Reader, this unfortunate turn of events is nothing less than a National, or West Hollywood-wide, at least, DISASTER. Call your congressperson or city councilman today! In fact, I think I saw mine at Splash just last week!
i'm making up a new word: über + ewwwwww = üewwwwwwwber