Once my head stopped spinning, thanks to the application of cool beverages, cloths, and a little couch time, Dear Reader, the realization that I had just been handed my ass on a platter by a small child hit me, and hit me hard today. Handed to me in Spanish, no less.
Now, as many of you know, I spent some formative years in a Spanish speaking capital. I learned to speak Spanish around the same time I learned English, and so was completely fluent in both. Nowadays, I still do fairly well in Spanish, as long as I don’t have to talk about politics. Or The Nasty. I just never learned the vocabulary for saucy Spanish repartée.
I excel, however, in the basics.
Home during the day due to recent cut-loosedness from my longest running job ever (by threefold, in fact), it seemed as good a time as any to do a little laundry. Downstairs, I met with a wee bairn, no more than five years old (to my unexperienced eye, at any rate; he certainly wasn’t old enough to illegally covet), who engaged me in conversation concerning the state of the lint filters:
Tú no hablas español.
I love how he just stated it as a fact, no doubt observing my pasty white legs and pale blue eyes. Further, he should be addressing me in the formal, thank you very much. “Look out, kid,” I thought, “here comes the shock of your life.”
ME (dun dun DUN!)
Hablo español poquitito.
SMALL CHILD (completely nonchalant)
Oh, yo hablo inglés un poco.
Our native languages and degree of fluency in each thus established, and with the lint filters all clean thanks to my new little friend, he turned the conversation to more pressing matters.
ME (looking behind me, sure he was speaking to someone else)
Uh, Tengo YO niña?
No, pues no tengo ningunos hijos.
Reduced suddenly to a disbelieving spinster aunt, I replied just a tad defensively:
Tengo un gato. Un gato maravilloso!
Take that, kid. My cat rocks your FACE.
SMALL CHILD (disbelieving)
No tienes esposo?
JESUS, kid, what’s your damage?
No, no tengo esposo.
Sensing his spectacular win, he ran off to do his devil work elsewhere.
The duchess and I will now watch Heroes, no small children allowed.