originally posted at http://www.imaniacs.org/reviews/crapcount.html

The Crap Count

"Ninety percent of everything is crap." -Theodore Sturgeon



Season 1:

PILOT: total number = 13

-"Aw crap." Darien, as he turns back to save the old man.
-"Aw crap." Darien, when caught by the police.
-"Oh crap." Darien, when caught trying to escape from the county jail.
-"Aw crap." Darien, when caught spying on the nurse and guard having a private party.
-"Crap." Darien, when he canít get his arm to quicksilver.
-"Aw crap." Darien, when the guard finds him standing over Arnaud with the fire extinguisher.
-"Aw crap." Darien, hearing the explosions outside while trying to escape from the restraints.
-"Aw crap!" Kevin and Darien in stereo, when they see the gunman.
-"Fricken Agency doesnít pay me enough for that crap!" Hobbes, on finding Arnaudís house.
-"Oh crap." Hobbes, when the Canadian Terrorists spot them.
-"Aw crap." Darien, when about to be shot at by the Canadian Terrorists.
-"Donít pull that crap, you need me!" Darien, to the Official while on the cell in the Church.
-"I was in a trench, knee deep in camel crap, shrapnel going right up my..." Hobbes, on his fun time in Iraq.


THE CATEVARI: total number = 3

-"Why donít you cut the Three Days of the Condor crap." Darien, to the Official.
-"Aw crap." Darien, when he seeís the Official was scratched by Fogerty.
-"Did she pull that enigmatic crap on you?" Fogerty, about the Keeper.


RALPH: total number = 4

-"When are you going to cut the crap?" Darien, to the Official about the cover of the dead bird.
-(this counts as 3) "Oh crap....oh crap oh crap I canít do it I canít quicksilver!" Darien, when Jessica is about to come back.


TIRESIAS: total number = 3

-"Thatís a bunch of crap, you care about me like you care about that rat." Darien, on how much the Keeper cares about him.
-"People actually fall for this line of crap?" Hobbes, to Scarborough on his job.
-"Your prophecies are crap." Darien, to Scarborough.


IMPETUS: total number = 2

-"Cut the crap, Justin." Gloria, on if she is going to die or not.
-"I donít have to take any crap from buzzheads like you." The Official, on how much he loves his job and not working with the military.


THE DEVIL YOU KNOW: total number = 3

-"Iíd say I think you were full of crap." Darien, on Lawson and his offer to help him out.
-"So Hobbes fired his gun and I knocked the guy into the pool, which managed to fake out Lawson and scare the crap out of 50 tourists. Not bad for a days work." Darien, explaining what just happened.
-"That is crap!" Lawson, about the court proceedings


LIBERTY AND LARCENY: total number = 4

-"Aw crap." Darien, when Hobbes shows up at the KMart for thieves.
-"Aw crap." Darien and Liz in stereo, about the lasers.
-"Is that more keychain crap?" Darien, about the Keeper and her advice.
-"Ah crap, Iím talking to tools." Darien, as he prepares to rescue Liz.


THE VALUE OF SECRETS: total number = 3

-"Oh crap." Darien, after he quicksilverís Kate his response to her reaction.
-"Oh crap." Darien, when he prematurely quicksilverís with Kate.
-"No you, no me, that kind of crap." Darien, to the Keeper on what he knows about quantum physics.


SEPARATION ANXIETY: total number = 1

-"Iím surprised the two of you arenít kicking the crap out of each other." Darien, about Hobbes and Brock.


IT HURTS WHEN YOU DO THIS: total number = 1

-"Aw crap." Darien, when he finds out Hobbes was taken to surgery.


THE OTHER INVISIBLE MAN: total number = 5

-"Aw crap." Darien, when he "sees" Simon at the cafe.
-"...which admittedly sounds like crap even as I say it but I know I saw something and it wasnít cool!" Darien, on his explanation on how he can see Simon.
-"Aw crap." Darien, when he finds out they have to go back to Kevinís lab.
-"Do you guys seriously believe any of this crap?" Darien, on Claireís explanation of what's going on.
-"I still feel terrible about beating the crap out of my boss." Darien, about the first events of the episode.


REUNION: total number = 4

-"Oh crap." "My sentiment exactly." Hobbes then Darien, on finding out Kevin may be alive.
-"Except maybe a line of crap." Hobbes, on the Doctorís explanation.
-"Aw crap." Darien, when the cop car pulls up to the house.
-"Crap like that." Darien, about the stuff that really matters.


CAT AND MOUSE: total number = 4

-"I donít want my final moments in this piece of crap." Darien, about the van.
-"Come on you piece of crap!" Hobbes, about the compact car.
-"Aw crap." Darien, when caught by the Chinese.
-"Aw crap." Darien, just before getting his head drilled.


BEHOLDER: total number = 3

-"Thatís crap, itís exploitation. Itís good for them!" Darien, on blind models.
-"Aw crap." Darien, when knocked over rocks reveals his position.
-And this may only half count but: "You got pigeons everywhere crappin." Darien, on the beach.


GHOST OF A CHANCE: total number = 4

-"Get out of this office you little bald pile of crap!" Ambassador Hollywell, to Hobbes.
-"Aw crap!" Darien, watching Arias get drowned.
-"Aw crap." Darien, when La Llorona disappeared.
-"Aw crap!" Hobbes, watching La Llorona disappear into the ocean.


FLOWERS FOR HOBBES: total number = 4

-"Aw crap, that looks bad." Darien, about Hobbesí injury.
-"Why donít you do me a favor and cut the crap, Doc." Darien, to Dr. Galasyn.
-"Aw crap." Darien, on seeing the dead college students.
-"Claire!! Get this crap out of me!" Darien, on the retro-virus about to kill him.


PERCHANCE TO DREAM: total number = 4

-"Aw crap." Darien, when he seeís the biker with a gun.
-"My preference is the hard way, because then we get to beat the crap out of you." Darien, to the computer geeks.
-"Cut the crap, all right?" Hobbes, to the computer geeks.
-"Aw crap." Hobbes and Darien in stereo when they see the guards knocked unconscious.


FROZEN IN TIME: total number = 6

-"Oh crap" Darien, when watching Kate makes him turn invisible.
-"Aw crap!" Darien, on the floor turning invisible.
-"Aw crap." Darien, after finding out Helen is involved.
-"Aw crap." Darien, when sprayed visible in the truck.
-"Aw crap!" Darien, on seeing the guard in the hallway.
-"Aw CRAP!" Darien, when the guard seeís the alarm button.


DISEASED: total number = 3

-"Crappy." Darien, telling Claire how he feels.
-"Aw crap!" Darien, about to get the sicksilver cut off by Claire.
-"Aw crap." Darien, realizing heís about to get the crap kicked out of him.


LESSER EVIL: total number = 3

-"Aw crap." Darien, when he seeís itís Allinoria.
-"Started thinking maybe it wasnít a load of crap." Darien, about his relationship with Allinoria.
-"Aw crap!" Hobbes and Darien in stereo as the building is destroyed.


MONEY FOR NOTHING PART 1: total number = 3

-"Aw crap." Darien, just before dream Arnaud shoots him.
-"Aw crap." Hobbes, when he hears Darien is at the hospital.
-"Aw crap." Hobbes, in his voice over at the end asking for help.


MONEY FOR NOTHING PART 2 (B version) total number = 1

-"Free of pain, giving a damn...all the crap thatís held me back for so long." Darien, on being Phase 5 QSM.


SMALL WORLD: total number = 3

-"Cut the crap, Fawkes." The Official
-"Ah crap." Darien, when he realizes the helmet is busted.
-"Ah crap." Darien, finding himself trapped in the pool room.




Season 2

LEGENDS: total number = 3

-"Ah crap." Darien, finding himself hanging from a tree.
-"Ah crap Claire, here she comes what am I supposed to do?!" Darien, as the Wendigo approaches.
-"Aw crap!" Darien, when the Wendigo arrives.


THE CAMP: total number = 1

-"...what Iíve come to know as the crapiest Agency in the intelligence world." Darien, his opinion on the Agency.



-"Aw crap." Darien, when he seeís Eberts tied to the chair.


JOHNNY APOCALYPSE: total number = 1

-"Aw crap" Darien, when found by Monroe.


GOING POSTAL: total number = 0


BROTHERíS KEEPER: total number = 5

-"Well you can beat around the bush, or you can cut the crap and tell me whatís on your mind right now." Hobbes, to Darien at the cemetery.
-"Merde!" Arnaud, after breaking a mirror with his hand.
-"Aw crap!" Kevin, as heís about to get his ass kicked by Arnaud.
-"Holy crap!" Darien, finding out the RNA transfer worked.
-"Aw crap!" Darien and Kevin together in the Pilot flashback. While not technically in this episode, I guess it still kinda counts!


INSENSATE: total number = 5

-"Aw crap." Darien, tripping over the cart in the Mental Ward.
-"Crap!" Darien, realizing thereís nothing they can do for the patients.
-"Aw crap." Darien, realizing Thomas is Gaither
-"Aw crap!" Darien, after being told Gaither tested the experiment on himself.
-"Youíve gotta stop with this prisoner crap and start treating me like an ally." Darien, to SWRB Guy.


BAD CHI: total number = 2

-"Aw crap." Darien, after hitting the swingset.
-"Aw crap." Darien, realizing Charlie wants him to kill.


FLASH TO BANG: total number = 7

-"Aw crap." Darien, realizing he has amnesia
-"Oh crap, itís like my saying." Darien, explaining to the doctor.
-"Aw crap." Darien, unable to remember more.
-"Aw crap." Darien, as Arnaud pulls out the guns.
-"Oh crap." Hobbes, getting knocked out by Darien.
-"Oh crap?" Darien, repeating Hobbes.
-"Merde." Arnaud, when Darien recovers his memory.


GERM THEORY: total number = 3

-"Aw crap." Darien, getting cut.
-"Oh crap!" Darien, unable to un-quicksilver his finger.
-"Aw crap." Darien, seeing all the CDC people with guns.


THE CHOICE: total number = 1

-"I feel like crap, OK?" Alex, on how she feels about giving up her son.


IMMATERIAL GIRL: total number = 3

-"Aw crap." Darien, hearing that Lucy was murdered.
-"Aw crap." Darien, realizing why Lucy was killed.
-"Oh crap." Hobbes, getting locked out.


FATHER FIGURE: total number = 4

-"Isnít that Bureau speak for Ďweíre in a crap-load of troubleí?" Darien, to the Official.
-"Aw crap." Darien, when the alarms go off.
-"Aw crap." Hobbes and Alex, when the alarms go off.
-"Aw crap." Darien, when he finds the bad guys wearing thermal glasses.


SENSE OF COMMUNITY: total number = 1

-"Oh crap!" Hobbes, finding out about the particle beams.


THREE PHASES OF CLAIRE: total number = 4

-"Aw crap." Darien, when he seeís the CIA guy ready to fire.
-"Aw crap." Darien, realizing Thomas came up with Beta C.
-"Holy crap, I-Man!" Hobbes, in a wonderful parody of Batman and Robin, when he seeís Dimitri.
-"Oh crap!" Claire, realizing it wasnít a dream after all.


THE INVISIBLE WOMAN: total number = 2

-"Aw crap!" Darien, noticing theyíre being followed.
-"Aw crap!" Darien, seeing the Chinese outside his apartment.


MERE MORTALS: total number = 2

-"Aw crap." Darien, when the fire alarm goes off.
-"Oh crap!" Darien, when Golda doesnít start.


POSSESSED: total number = 3

-"Oh crap" "No, this is beyond crap." Hobbes then Darien, realizing the CA is loosing its effectiveness.
-"You could be out pushing that worthless heap up junkmetal, pile of stinking crap, insulting excuse for a van out for a servicing!" Hobbes, in Stage 5, about the van.


ENEMY OF MY ENEMY: total number = 3

-"Yes, we know...íoh crapí." Arnaud, on what Darien is about to say.
-"Oh crap." Darien, breaking into Chrysalis and seeing a guard.
-"Aw crap!" Darien, when his gun doesnít fire.


THE NEW STUFF: total number = 6

"...crap. Thatís right."
Darien, then Hobbes, on seeing the corn.
-"Ah crap!" Darien, thinking heís not getting any more counteragent.
-"Ah crap." Darien, realizing the attack was a Chrysalis cover-up.
-"See right there, thatís a bunch of crap." Darien, on Madre not admitting to the crime.
-"Oh crap." Darien, being followed by the Army.

Total number for season 2: 57