Wahmbulance!

WAIT A MINUTE...

Wait just one darn second.

Uh huh.

Sure.  Got it.  All makes sense.  Doo doo doo.

Wait...

Who....?

Wha...?

I... uh... uh....

**klunk**

wha happen?
x

Clive Owen: HELLS yeah.

Surprisingly, there were a bunch of children at today's 4:20 showing of Children of Men.

This film is NOT for children.  Fucking hell.

You may read reviews elsewhere, Dear Reader, because all I have to say is this:

• Children of Men is about eight hundred kagigiditygoddamnedmuthafuckinBILLION times more bleak than Brazil.
• The super long shot is kewl.
• If this movie doesn't win best sound edit, I'll eat my six dollar drugstore straw cowboy hat.

My teeth were actually chattering toward the end.  Chattering, y'all.  Damn fine film.

The big news, though, is, of course, the big shakeup in The List of Potential Fathers of My Children! 

Mr. Clive Owen came out of nowhere, Dear Reader, to occupy spot number two!  No where, I tells ya!  Premiering at number two is quite an accomplishment, Mr. Owen.  You haven't knocked New Boyfriend Skeet out of his top spot, but until the next time I see that OK Go video, you have stomped Pink Pants.  Stomped!  And I love Pink Pants.  Come on!  The kid is wearing hot pink pants and jumping around treadmills.  And he's crazy tall and skinny.  AND he totally almost falls in that one part but totally saves the day.  What's not to love?

Way to go, Clive.  I mean, everyone knows what a diggidy dang diva I am.  Intern George has his work cut out for him.  Intern George, you've been warned!

did I mention ... bleak?  holy crap.  I need to look at shoes now.
mlle_x

George Lucas was totally HOTT.

Case closed.

freakin blogger haters...
mlle_x

It was the only warning we got...

About how fucking AWESOME the Transformers movie is going to be!

A year? I can't WAIT A YEAR, punk!

While I've never actually seen the show (my sister watched it though), I was aware that a Transformers movie was coming up because a bunch of people posted "tests" for it (from the evil regions up you-know-where) of dubious origin at work a while back.  Actually, these whatever-they-weres were intriguing, but it's not like I was all up in arms excited to see it...

That was before I saw the trailer yesterday on Pirates. 

Crashed NASA craft sees life on  Mars?  Ya got me.  Classified films and conspiracy?  I'm so there.  Lots of exploding shit? I will most likely consider you, movie.

DIRECTED BY MICHAEL BAY??????

SHUT THE FUCK UP!  Nobody told me this movie was going to be BAYriffic!  Are you kidding me?  Where do I get in line??  AAHHHHHHH!!!!

Not only was I truly enchanted by the tender and insightful Pearl Harbor, as you may recall, Dear Reader, but the man has put up the funniest site on the internet (gracias señor mono).

Ohhhhhhhhh baby!   I can't WAIT! 

I think he was going for "always drunk guy on a boat most of the time who has that drunk guy luck of never getting hurt whilst drunk with a soupscon of super hot ambiguous girlymanluciousosiTAY."
mlle_x

BRICK!

MONKEY WINS!  Brick is finally out.  Put down that copy of The Lady in the Lake and get ye to the Arclight NOW!

Apparently I am now the friend of a famous person.  I guess it was bound to happen eventually, but it's weird and it makes me giggle every time.

So, I was bragging on daMonk at Beer Club the other night at work (yes, Dear Reader, Beer Club at work.  We're barely half a step off the shop floor), and I was telling everyone how excited I was that his movie was coming out and how great it is and blah blah blah:

"Where's it showing?"

"Arclight."

"Oh, it's like a real movie?"

"Oh, yeah, he has like, AIM icons on his site, it's redonculous."

"Cool..."

"He was even on The Treatment today!" (n.b. Dear Reader; for some reason this is the most impressive thing to me ever.)

"Wait - what movie is it?"

"Brick."

...

"Wait.  BRICK???????  Hey, she knows a guy who worked on Brick!"

"Actually," I bragged further to the gathering crowdlet, "I used to be the official video HOOOOOOah of the Director.  Bitches."

This is hilarious to me.  Hilarious and awesome.  Mr. Johnson!  BWHAhahahahaha!

Congratulations to Monkey!  Nobody deserves it more than you, Monk.

where did I put my sketchbook?
mlle_x

PS:  HAPPY BIRTHDAY to The Duchess, Otter, and Uncle Matthew!

Dear Jerk Sitting Behind Me at the Documentary Series at the Academy Last Night (read: a couple of months ago):

Sir:

Whatever it is that you are doing with your shoes that keeps washing me with a thick, oily wave of overly-ripe cheese scent, CUT IT OUT.

Oh yeah, and stop kicking my fucking chair while doing it!

MAN! One would think that people who go to documentaries from the 50's would, like, bathe once in a while.  Well, I'm finding, that's not the case.  Perhaps stinking to high heaven is some sort of documentarian badge of honor I don't know about?  I made a doc once - shouldn't someone have informed me?  Come to think of it - that fat guy with the sweater always looks pretty sweaty - bet he stinks.  Of course, I am often a little clueless about these things.

Holy SHIT though, there were like five people who smelled like they had necrotic flesh under their vile sweaters!  NECROTIC! SWEATERS!  It was like 65 degrees out!  Maybe that explains it?  That, or they have dead rats in their pockets?

The mind reels.  Mostly because I was faint from the smell.

Remember how Scully, A DOCTOR, would always see a body and go "Ugh!" at the smell, holding a dainty hankie to her tiny little nose?  That was me last night.  Except no hankie.  And no dainty.

At what point is it not rude anymore to turn around and say, "YOU FUCKING STINK, ASSHOLE, STOP WHATEVER THE FUCK IT IS THAT YOU ARE DOING?"  What line does the offending party have to cross for it to be socially acceptable to say something to that effect?  Is it when I start to gag?  Do I actually have to vomit?  Is the Scully face enough?  Such dilemmas... and of course, both Emily Post AND Jane Austen are mum on the topic.

Oh yeah, and some parchmenty old lady tried to bring a wee dog in last week.  A DOG!  INTO THE ACADEMY!  What the hell is wrong with these people?

wondering where have all the cowboys gone (hate that song, HATE IT),
mlle_x

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the Best Picture of 2006.

Have you ever seen a movie, Dear Reader, that hit you in such a way, just right, that it felt like the director was sitting there with you telling the story?  Like he had written that movie just for you?

I actually got to see TWO movies like that this week:  Pee Wee's Big Adventure, and Best Picture 2006 BRICK.

I saw Pee Wee when it came out, and it really got me excited, and now my house looks like Pee Wee's house and I walk around going "What... WHAT!!!" a lot.  Twenty years later. Except seeing it now, I recognize all the places where they shot, so it's even funnier, believe it or not.  Paul Reubens is a really amazing actor, too, my semi-maturity has made me notice.

I really want to talk about Brick, though.

I finally got to see it Friday (after hearing about it for five years), and even though I was deathly ill, I couldn't shake the feeling that the director was talking to me from the screen.

I guess it helps that I know the director.

So what? This is one killer piece of story telling.  If you read Chandler at all, which you really should, you know, you will be instantly at home.  Likewise if you really dug Mean Girls.  Sounds strange, but come with me, people.

Think about all the evil crap that happened to or around you in high school.  Now, imagine that you are Philip Marlowe seeing all that around you... and you're late for class.  And the vice principal has you under his thumb.  And there are really scary people who might be out to get you - and you have to wait till your mom goes to bed to get out of the house and do what you need to do. 

Add in a substantial dose of "name that reference" and a killer soundtrack, and you have one helluva movie on your hands.

I can't stop thinking about it, actually.  I just watched the trailer about 8 times in a row.

There are moments of laugh out loud hilarity in Brick - the juxtaposition of noir with the high school setting really makes me laugh, anyway - but there are also moments that leave you on the edge of your seat. 

And who can get the living crap beat out of him multiple times better than Harrison Ford?  Joseph Gordon-Levitt, that's who.

One thing that makes me sad though, is the demise of the old Brick site - mostly because I liked to go to the reviews section and scroll down to the part where it said, "EBERT! EBERT! EBERT!" which makes me giggle (the thumbs of fate really dug Brick).  Also, it was really useful for stalking the director, as it listed his film festival appearances around the globe.  MONKEY! I noticed I haven't gotten any gifts from any of those fancy pants shindigs...

I guess it has to be enough that he wrote the perfect movie for me.

keeping it on the QT,
mlle_x

Actually, REALLY sad.

In order to get the bad taste of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy film out of my mouth, I went out and got the book to reread (my old copy disappeared in the Great Dad Cleaned Up My Room When I Was at College and Threw All My Stuff Out Fiasco of 1989).  This edition also has a bunch of interviews and such in the back about the making of the worst film I've seen in a long time.

First off, I'd like to mention that although I continue to be a huge fan of these books, I haven't actually read one since, oh, say, the 10th grade or so.  I used to read them over and over.  So the first thing that the cold light of 2005 revealed was... well, my sense of humor has changed a bit.  I can't say that I enjoyed it quite as much as I had as a kid.  However, all the stuff that really stuck with me all these years, especially the construction of Earth Mark 2 and the fjords and fiddly bits and such, I still really, really love.  It's kind of like when I had to memorize all that Steve Martin material for a class (rcjohnso)... totally forgot some bits, but others I remember verbatim still, from the 5th grade.  So it's not all bad.

And then at the end, there are all these really great interviews with the cast, and the directors, and the screenwriter who came in after Douglas died, and a longish essay on how hard it was to bring the film to fruition.  It's all fascinating, lots of Hollywood machinations, the actors really talk a lot about how they conceptualized their characters and their process, and the screenwriter had some really, really good insights into the book. 

I totally enjoyed reading all this, and I have to say, I was getting really excited!  "Man!" I said to myself.  "This film is going to AWESOME! ... Oh."

So I might be in fact even more bummed about it than before, if that's possible.

mlle x

May 19th: Whatever shall I WEAR?

Hello, true fans.  Mlle X would like Kevin to explain to you why one needn't be drunk to view the upcoming film.  You may all decide for yourselves if that is a good thing.

More importantly, however, is the question of WHAT TO WEAR to the big event(s).

I just saw that Enron movie... AND I CAN'T GET UP! or, Where the Heck is Pink Dot, already?

So, on my first ever THIRD date (I know!) I go to see Enron: The Musical! - ok, just kidding, it's called Enron: The Smartest Guys in the Room - and now I NEED A DRINK.

Pink Dot has been notified.

All of a sudden, I feel a little Kiki Cohen-ish.  Before you judge me though...