awwww, do you need a quarter to call one, puddin'?
IRONY:
IRONY
Main Entry: iro·ny
Function: noun
1 : a pretense of ignorance and of willingness to learn from another assumed in order to make the other's false conceptions conspicuous by adroit questioning -- called also Socratic irony
2 a : the use of words to express something other than and especially the opposite of the literal meaning b : a usually humorous or sardonic literary style or form characterized by irony
3 a (1) : incongruity between the actual result of a sequence of events and the normal or expected result
synonym see WIT
I HATE bumping in to ex-tv-boyfriends, Dear Reader. Especially ones you've dumped like a hot rock, with nary a phone call, email, text, or even a Holly-Golightly-esque wave over the shoulder for explanation as you skip off with your NEW tv boyfriend, a taller, blonder, bader-boy version of him from a show with a LOT more hot sex in it 'cause it's on HBO, not CBS.
No, I do not enjoy that one bit, Dear Reader. Especially if he's practically doing it with Jennifer Lopez right there in front of Forever XXI at The Grove. It's UNCOMFORTABLE.
Oh, hey...! (wohwohwoh sound of adults talking in Charlie Brown cartoons)
Thanks! Yeah, you look great too.... (whoowoh woh?)
Oh, you know, the book is almost due... (woh woh woh) yeah... teaching... you know... busy busy... (wohwohwoh?) Uh... yeah... freelancing, nothing permanent yet... I see you have some new stuff going on! Jenny from the block! Lead role! (woh woh woh woh) Great! Great! Great! Um! And a series, huh? Says bus posters and TIVO (fuck! fuck! fuck! now he knows tivo is still getting anything with his name! FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFFUCK!!!!!)... and, uh, that Kate Bekinsale movie... over the summer? (fuuuuuuck!)(wohwohwoh?) I, uh, didn't actually see it... well, I meant to, you know, but I really haven't seen anything in months, with the writing and all...(wohwohwoh?) Uh, oh, yeah, I did just get out of a movie - uh - it's seriously? The first movie I've seen in MONTHS, no kidding, for real... really... eh...(wohwohwoh) ... well, not yet, I have SO much fall TV to catch up on... I didn't even know there was a new season of Hereos, heh...! Totally have a lot to catch up on- saw you were in syndication on SyFy (fyyyyfuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!!!!fuckfuckfuck!!!!) uh - that's really cool - it looks like everything's going really great for you! Awesome!
interlude: crickets
So yeah! This is your year, kid! (fuck!) Guy! Your year, guy! Awesome! (wohwohwoh) My year too, yes! I totally believe that. New beginnings! Yes! (cough)(wohwohwoh) OK! You too! (wohwohwoh) Totally! (wohwohwoh) Uh...? (wohwohwoh) Wow, uh, I didn't know you knew him? (wohwohwoh) Uh huh... (wohwohwoh) Uh huh... (wohwohwoh) I will say hey for you ... (wohwohwoh) Oooookeyyyy dokey then. (wohwohwoh) Bye---
Firstly, Dear Reader, I apologize for planting that earworm on you. I'm so full of hate for this series of spots, though; I simply WILL NOT BE SILENCED.
FreeCreditReport.com, first of all, performs a dubious service: getting your credit report. You can do that at all three of the major credit reporting agencies, for free, once a year. A good tip I got from my Mom, of all people, is to request one report every four months from one of the three; that way you're getting your free report three times a year instead of once, the easier to keep track of that sort of thing. If you care, or DARE, of course. I don't. Dare, that is.
The point is, FreeCreditReport.com is a scam to get you to pay for “credit monitoring,” or whatever. So first of all, screw you, FreeCreditReport.com!
But on to the real hate: The Spots.
I hate every single one of them, and if you will, I would like to enumerate the ways:
PIRATE SPOT: The spot that started it all, y’all.
HATE! First of all, how does having your identity stolen preclude you from landing a job? It seems to me, in this day and age, if you're in the market for the kind of job that actually requires a credit check, your future employers would most likely know how to read one, and therefore be able to detect a stolen identity. Hate.
Secondly: Does anyone believe these chumps would be up for a job of that variety anyway? I thought not. I never had my credit checked when I worked at the mall. The bass player is sort of cute- naturally I think so, because I only go for losers- but the Main Guy? What a choad. I wouldn't hire him and his smirky ass if he were the last dish washer on earth. I sure as hell wouldn't put him in the front of the house.
Good things about this spot: The song's timing isn't completely messed up, as some of the others are. Also, I like the little old lady and the way she holds her hands. Reminds me of my Mom's people in Virginia. Overall, I didn't start out wanting to shoot myself in the head every time this one came on; that would change.
Next up: DREAM GIRL The spot that filled me to the rim with grim.
This spot caused a flurry of hate in a networking group to which I belong: IS HE SAYING HE WOULDN’T MARRY HER IF HE KNEW SHE HAD BAD CREDIT??????? Yeah, he is. Again, I ask you, Dear Reader: Does this look like a guy you'd allow to buy a home - especially traveling with this loser posse? Cute bass player or no, Main Guy’s got some mucho huevos complaining about his wife’s credit. Besides, credit defaults are expunged from your record after seven years. So if it's really an "old credit card,” all he needs to do is sit down and shut the fuck up for a year or two. "Happy bachelor with a dog and a yard," indeed... more like "Bitch ass loser who sucks really hard." Sing along, Dear Reader! I have a feeling she should have checked HIS credit. At the very least, to see if he could afford a divorce (or preferably, an annulment). Haaaaaaaate.
Good things about this spot: She looks like she could kick all their asses, and is going to in about five seconds. Also, they have a washer and dryer right off the living room! That's so convenient. I'm jealous.
Next up: NEW CAR The spot that filled me so full of hate I just can't contemplate.
I will admit, Dear Reader, that up until just now I thought the lyric was
Now instead of looking fly I'M rolling phat
Which of course is WRONG WRONG WRONG, and makes me think the client must be completely insane, out of touch, and one of those people who INSISTS on language of Kids These Days. PHAT IS GOOD, idiots. It means good. GOOD.
Either that, or Main Guy is worried about his obvious weight gain since the Pirate Spot.
On review of the posted lyrics, however, I see it's actually (or so the lyrics submitted by the band claim)
Now instead of looking fly AND rolling phat
Which makes more sense. It still pisses me off, though. Especially since I now discover that not only is there a HUGE following for these nuggets on YouTube, including all kinds of posts with helpful lyrics, the pointing out of Pirate Hats, and a CONTEST FOR BANDS TO COVER ONE OF THE SPOTS with pretty big cash prizes (actually, the winner, a ska band, is pretty good, and should be hired IMMEDIATELY), but these PHATholes actually have their own website.
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATE.
And of course, the obvious question: If you had the choice of keeping your current car or driving off the lot with the POS in the spot, WHY WOULD YOU TAKE THE POS??? Especially since you could probably clear the whole thing up and then come back and get the car you want. Oh wait, I forgot: Main Guy is a looser and probably couldn't do any better with a 750.
Good things about this spot: The girls who mock them on the street totally ROCK. I love Mean Girls, and these girls are WORKING IT. So Awesome.
And the Drummer has a keytar. Sweet. He's turning out to be kinda cute too - fuck, there I go again.
Next up: BICYCLE When I started avoiding these spots like Plague in The Hague. (Shut up. It rhymes. Also, I'm sure an outbreak of Black Death in The Hague, international center for Criminal Courts, Tribunals, and a stopovers on the way to Amsterdam, would be BAD. Didn't you see Blood Diamond?)
I don't actually know this one by heart, thanks to Pete, my TIVO, and his amazing FF skilzz. While I tend to watch commercials over and over, love or hate, this is where FreeCreditReport.com and I broke up.
Obvious question: Bike shops check your credit? What the hell kind of bike are you trying to buy, Main Guy? You're seriously trying to finance a BIKE? Unless you're Lance Armstrong, you don't need a bike that requires financing. And you are OBVIOUSLY no Lance Armstrong, sir. You can't handle that much bike.
Also, note to Cute Drummer: Get a haircut; you were much hotter with it short. DAMMIT!!!!
Good things about this spot: I don't know it by heart, so it rarely haunts me in my dreams. Also, the little old lady is back as a street crossing guard, and has a MAJOR hate on for Head Loser. I think she suspects he's selling himself a little large as well. Either that, or she's mad at herself for stopping traffic instead of ushering through a rogue SUV to put us out of our misery.
How are you flummoxed in your pursuit of RockStardom (more like RapStardom, but let's leave that for a second) if someone else opens a credit card with your ID? Does it mean you can't afford payola? I'm pretty sure RICO violators everywhere prefer cash.
Maybe he needs to throw big gangsta parties to be a rock star - you know, kind of like a Rappin' Castin' Couch - and needs to put them on his Black Amex? Damn! I bet Vincent Chase stole his ID - that would explain why he had to move back in with his mom last year.
Also: Cater Waiters are usually hot, or at least don’t show up looking like they’re gonna eat everything before it goes out; I’m just saying, Jabba. Go home and iron your damn shirt.
Good things about this spot: Hm. Well, it has a good beat and you can dance to it, as previously mentioned. And. Well, the drummer looks like a Geico Caveman, and I LOVE those spots.
Next up: RENFAIRE It’s faire to say this spot is a hate buffet. Make way!
I will admit to watching Merlin, Dear Reader. Admitting that, however, doesn’t even come near to admitting I’ve been to a Renaissance Faire (I have NOT) – which I guess is the point, I mean, I get it, they’re reduced to playing the RenFaire. Fine. I have a feeling, though, that some of the more in-character folks at the Faire would immediately kick these guys’ asses for breaking character, and that’s something I’d PAY to see. I wouldn’t pay it to FreeCreditReport.com, though, you may be assured.
Here we have a big problem with the lyrics: There is a line that’s too long, doesn’t fit, and is STUPID.
Thought I'd move to a place where my credit could stink and nobody would care I just wish that somebody had told me that place was a Renaissance Fair!
Replace “somebody” with “someone,” and you don’t have to stumble over the line. Or dump the “just.” Or have someone who actually writes lyrics (unlike me) JUST MAKE IT WORK.
This is the BEST take they have? Someone should have noticed it’s WRONG WRONG WRONG. Insane client or inept direction? You be the judge.
I get that there are running jokes in this series – none of which are funny, so much – but the little old lady doesn’t get the job done here. I’d much prefer the guys from ROCKSTAR did a drive-by. Two birds, one stone… kill the Guys, close the RenFaire. I LIKE, Dear Reader. LIIIIIIIIIKE.
Good things about this spot: Chicken’s eye view of another chicken. I like chickens. Also, there are goats. They make me laugh. Not so much that I don’t want to kill, kill, KILL, but they’re good just the same. Goats eat all kinds of wacky stuff, so maybe he’ll eat their instruments – and their STILL BEATING HEARTS. LIKE!
Next up: ROLLERCOASTER
Just when you thought it was safe to watch TV again, here comes a new spot in the ad campaign.
GET. A. HAIRCUT. FATBOY.
This spot is hot off the presses – and when I say hot I mean VOMMIT – as The Guys point out in the song. It does indeed make me want to hurl. And not just because I have recurring nightmares about having to get to your gate at the airport via rollercoaster, due to a childhood trauma too long to go into here.
This ditty again features awkward phrasing that could be fixed so very simply.
Buckle up everybody cause were taking a ride It can strain your relationships and hurt your pride
Actually, this works on the page, but not so much in the spot. And again, this is the best take you got, commercial? Did they kick you out of the ADR stage early? Maybe the credit card they booked the session with got stolen or something.
And my favorite:
Then bring em right back to where your laptops at. Log on to freecreditreport.com, stat
No. No. No. Wrong. That’s about (counting on fingers) 800 syllables too many, there. Also, there are so many things that rhyme with “at:” “(beat me to death with a) baseball bat,” “(please banish me to) South Platte,” or… wait for it… PIRATE HAT. Come on, commercial, seriously? Were you too tired to write a decent song because you were up late reviewing your credit report? Those things are really LONG, you know. It could keep you up at night, much like my hatred of these spots.
Good things about this spot: Drummer got a haircut and is looking somewhat fine. Argh!!! Good t-shirt as well. Also, the idea that these doofs had to ride a rollercoaster more than once through (I seriously have those nightmares – and I seriously HATE rollercoasters) makes me happy. Of course, maybe they didn’t, since the repo guys maybe came for the cameras before the shoot was over, as evidenced by the lack of good takes. Of course, that would make me happy too.
In Conclusion: Electromagnetic intrusion.
That’s right, Dear Reader. This campaign intrudes on me electromagnetically, and I think you know what I mean.
I mean through the TV. And also the air, when and if I go outside. AND IN MY NIGHTMARES. (Seriously, that airport/rollercoaster dream is real. Magnetically real.)
And now I hate even more, Dear Reader. Why? In researching this piece for you, my beloved audience, I was shocked to find how many people LOVE THESE SPOTS. There are fansites. YouTube love letters. FANS ON FACEBOOK.
Lord.
Please please please, networks, don’t give these guys their own show like you did for the Cavemen. Then there really will be a driveby – if I can mange to charge any weaponry on my Visa, that is.
f-r-e-e, that spells free, but not to any tolerable degree X
Much as kindred spirits The Fug Girls occasionally allow Intern George to answer their mail, Dear Reader, my feline friend Harper, Duchess of West Hollywood, recently pitched an intriguing idea for an article, and I let her run with it, it being a topic dear to my shrunken, black, tarry heart... and yours too, I suspect, with delight.
So, without further ado, I present "Why Rami Suk" by Harper, Duchess of West Hollywood, etc.
ps klik pikchers to make more big and awezum kthx
Thank you Harper, I think you've summed up the feelings of a nation (and Nina Garcia) quite nicely.
please note though she doles out legal advice right and left, harper is not in fact registered to practice law in california. x
Good news for Mlle X and Future M. X! Future M. X will continue to be able to support me in the manner to which I have become accustomed (from TVGuide via Kevin the Awesome):
"OK, this is nuts!
Multiple sources are telling me that CBS is thisclose to sealing a deal to bring Jericho back for at least eight episodes, possibly at mid-season.
My
spies caution that this is in no way official, but it certainly sounds
like it could be by day's end. It's now just a matter of signing the
actors to new deals and, according to one insider, finding a new
soundstage to house the show's sets.
To say this would be a huge victory for crazy TV fans everywhere would be the understatement of the frakkin' millennium.
...when you hear yourself saying, "I need to remember when I get home to
look up that movie I was watching last night on Lifetime about the
binge drinking college girl and her crazy annoying mother that I
missed the end of when TIVO changed the channel to Housewives which
was a retarded clip episode so I ended up watching adorable Jake 2.0 because when I
tried to look it up at work the Lifetime website totally crashed my
machine," you know it's time to maybe look into getting a life.
Every once in a while I get bored, and
watch an episode of The X-Files, which TIVO has so thoughtfully
started to capture for me. Back in the X-Files heyday, Dear Reader, I
preferred the One World Conspiracy episodes, but through a
combination of time passing, limited memory capacity being written
over by keeping track of where I parked my car, and a general atmosphere of
just not giving a shit, I now much prefer the Monster episodes.
Even back then, one of my favorites was
one which I always called “The Roaches One,” though its actual
title is “War of the
Coprophages.” Whatever, Mr. Big Words Fancy Pants. Eat shit.
The hole in my heart where The
Invisible Man used to be has been healed, Dear Reader.
Back before Battlestar Galactica,
before 24, before Prison Break, Lost, The OC, or Ugly Betty, before
Project Runway and its ilk, and long, long before the utterlydespisedStudio 60, way back in the wayback of 2000, there was The
Invisible Man.
I lovedThe Invisible Man. It had
everything going for it. Hot hero, check. Darien stole my heart at
first glance. Hot hero who's totally hilarious, check. Just look at
his hair. It's fantastic, literally. Hot hilarious hero with kick
ass wardrobe lady, check. One time Darien sported a ladies'coat
with a ginormous faux-fur collar that he could barely fit into
because he's a totally tall hot guy, HILARIOUS. Hot hilarious
nattily dressed ex-con man turned government super-secret invisible
agent? CHECK! With a loft? CHECK. Does he have a catchy
catchphrase? Aw, crap... oh, wait, that's a CHECK.
We
just read at tvweek.com, that NBC has pulled “Studio 60 on the Sunset
Strip” from their Monday night line-up one week earlier than planned.
Now don't get excited. The show has it's [sic] full order, the execs have
promised to air the episodes soon, and the lineup shuffle has been
planned for months, as NBC makes room for it's [sic] other DeathWatch-able
MidSeason show: "The Black Donnellys."
It's just that this past week, "Studio 60" posted a rating that came
in at an all time low for the series --a 2.8 in the 18-49yo
demographic.
The crime drama, “The Black Donnellys” was originally scheduled to
premiere on March 5th, replacing the timeslot currently occupied by
"Studio 60" -- but one thing's for certain -- this doesn't look good
for the kids on the Sunset Strip. We'll keep you posted.
Don't get excited? Oh, I'm excited, show.
Thank god there was some good news on Valentine's to offset the sad Splash Spa thing!
Well... maybe not. I hate you, Studio 60, and I'm starting to hate you with a passion normally reserved for recent episodes of The Simpsons. But maybe, just maybe, I want to see you run yourself into the ground.
I'm torn.
I remember your first episode, Studio 60. I kept saying, to no one in particular, "Oh my god, this is a good show. This show is so good. Oh man, I love this show." For the whole hour! Never have I loved a show so much at first blush. I thought, wow, finally a show that rips the curtain away and shows network TV for what it is! Finally! The bare naked ugly truth for all of the flyover states to see! Sad that I myself won't get to kill people's dreams about the glamor of Hollywood, which I do so relish, but still! Awesome! This is an important, timely, insightful show!
I must have been drunk.
I reluctantly half watched last week's episode last night, due to TIVO not picking up the fact that Desperate Housewives was a repeat, therefore not recording Battlestar Galactica at 9:00 but instead at midnight, and me not really caring about Housewives much anymore, I didn't want to watch a god damned rerun for sure, which is why, naughty TIVO, I told you to only get NEW episodes. It is possible that the network swapped out a new episode for the rerun at the last minute and TIVO didn't know - I suspect the whole Marcia Cross is totally wicked pregnant situation - but if not, TIVO, you're grounded, mister.
At any rate, I watched Studio 60 even after I'd read the recaplette and decided that I hate it more than life itself and should just delete it and be done with the whole thing.
Though I suppose it is rather topical in that it demonstrated all the signs us ladies should know to identify a crazy fucking asshole stalker in the early stages of said obsession, though it also helpfully reassures us that when we firmly say "no thank you," the stalker will helpfully refuse, a good thing of course, since us ladies are really stupid and don't know what's good for us.
I'd also like to thank Studio 60 for reminding me why I don't watch SNL any more: Dolphin Laugh Girl! Husky Gymnast! Rare African Militant Fruit of the Loom! Wow, how did I ever tear myself away from the hilarity?
Seriously Studio 60, are you fucking kidding me? It would be one thing if your show within the show were in anyway, oh, what's the word I'm looking for, oh yes, TOLERABLE. It's not. In any way whatsoever.
And what about the whole FCC/ swearing soldier/ Macao merger whatever the fuck it is? First of all, what IS the Macao thing? Wait, scratch that. Don't explain. I don't care. In the least. And all the bullshit wife/daughter translating the "man to man" conversation between the WTF Macao guy and the guy from Wings? I assume that was some kind of comment on... what, exactly? Freedom of the Press? Children as chattel? Pissing matches by proxy? Global warming? The situation with the salad bar over on the lot? Wow, Studio 60, thanks for bringing that to light... whatever it was. No no, don't speak.
And don't even get me started on the 1) religious debate/ middle states are people too/ I hate you but you can't date anyone else and that's really romantic way overacted Matt and annoying as all get out Dolphin Girl thing or B) the "There's another pretty girl at the party - and she's not pregnant" completely and absolutely pointless "oh - we're 10 pages short this week - let's add a reality TV arc" thing. My blood is already boiling with utter, bottomless, infinite loathing, the likes of which my body has not endured since seeing Stargate.
I take it back. I will enjoy watching the painful, drawn out, grindingly offensive, holier than thou, lacking in any kind of thought provocation short of "I hate - HATE! - this show and everything about it" train wreck that is you, Studio 60. I will relish it with a gusto reserved for sleeping late and mocking tourists. My pleasure at your cancellation will know no bounds. The sound of you being ripped from the schedule and from the fabric of space-time itself will resound through my whole body, and through the ages. It will be slow, painful, and delicious beyond measure.
Like ripping off a festering scab, I will continue to watch you and suffer the exquisite torture you inflict, Studio 60. Your TIVO Season Pass shall remain intact until the bitter, yet so, so sweet end.
But I'm totally fast forwarding through that Macao bullshit.
my contempt for you is darker than my very soul! x
We
just read at tvweek.com, that NBC has pulled “Studio 60 on the Sunset
Strip” from their Monday night line-up one week earlier than planned. 
