Wahmbulance!

SPOTTED:

At the corner of Frank Gehry and Activision, a certain MoCap actor, in full regalia, including skin tight shiny black leotard, ping pong balls (your joke here) and maybe a little more MoCap actor than one might like to see stuffed into said skin tight shiny black leotard, smoking a big fattie and yapping on his cell phone.

Well, a big fat ciggie butt, anyway.  That CAN'T be good for martial arts gaming hoo-ha or whatever all goes on in nondescript building number two over there!  THINK OF THE CHILDREN, MoCap guy!

you know you love me! xoxo,
gossip x

Strikewatch: Are you effin KIDDING ME?

Well, Dear Reader, I was going to suffer in silence - for a while, anyway - biting my nails and bravely drinking only one bottle of wine a night over this strike thing without bothering you with my now geometrically compounded unemployment woes.  After all, we had that non-welcome-union incident at Sony back in 2004, and all.

Suffer in silence, that is, until I read this!

JenCelotta: [... ]we learned recently that Lost only airs once on tv and then their episodes go right to streaming online with ads. So, writers, actors, directors used to make a residual for the repeat — a part of their calculated salary — and now they get nothing. But there are ads on these online episodes, so it’s all very unfair.

OH, come on, are you for real, evil corporate masters?  DAMMIT!  I just fucking rented Season One of Lost, too, so I could figure out what the hell was going on last season so stupid Kevin wouldn't make fun of me anymore.  Shit, I'm sorry, Lost people. I didn't know. I DIDN'T KNOW!!!!!

Truly, I thought they'd got the DVD thing squared the last time!  And now to hear they not only didn't, but they don't want to pay for the interwebs, and I want to kill kill KILL!!!!  Some time drinking.  I bet those kids over at Paramount would love donuts and Margaritas right about now!  Coming guys!

picket lines = the new grocery store
x

An apple a day makes you a big fat cow!

Sometimes, Dear Reader, Hollywood Moments, rather than amuse and delight me, stun me as would a hammer betwixt the eyes.

This is one such time.

The dialogue herein is guaranteed boiled down from two or three ACTUAL conversations I’ve had in the last few months:

    [general ridiculous banter about various food paranoiae the Hollywood ladies have]            

WOMAN 1
    …And then it turns out I have a real problem with snacking!

WOMAN 2
    What were you eating?      

WOMAN 1
    Apples, or dried fruit…

WOMAN 2
    Fruit has so much sugar in it…         

WOMAN 1
    Uhmagod, I know!  I had no idea!   

WOMAN 2
    You can’t eat that much sugar, it’s so bad for you.   

MY INNER BLOGABLE! ALERT SYSTEM
    WhuhWHUH?   

WOMAN 1
    I know!  And my kickboxing teacher said you can’t eat bananas after NOON!       

ME
    Why NOT?      

WOMAN 1
    Because they’re so hard to process!      

ME
    Well… isn’t that the point?

Quizzical looks all around, then the ignoring of the obvious chowderhead            

WOMAN 2
    You can’t eat ANYthing after 3, or it turns RIGHT to fat.    

WOMAN 1
    Oh I know…   

WOMAN 2
    Especially fruit… it’s so bad for you.      

MY BRAIN
    *le pouf*

I didn’t even try to bring up the delicious bounty of brown rice, Dear Reader, just to see if they'd run from the room screaming, or, alternately (and deliciously), try to kill me with the sharp steely glances of the malnourished, though my mischievous side begged me to, but the bleeding in my frontal cortex was affecting my speech centers.

This, I do believe, is my favorite Hollywood moment since the time I lost 10 or more pounds in a week after nearly being hospitalized with the flu; upon returning to work, I was universally congratulated for looking like a junkie from Baden-Baden.

fiber and complex carbohydrates be damned!
x

It don't make no sense.

So, riddle me this, Dear Reader.

Why would anyone go to all the bother, involving, but not limited to, a wasted lunch hour, a possible trip to the Valley, ruined underpants, problems sitting down comfortably for the rest of the afternoon, and just the general pain-in-the-assetry of getting a Brazilian, which is wrong on so many levels, but let’s stay on issue here, because there are few things I hate more than Feminism with a capital “F”, but still, why are we supporting, nay, paying big bucks, even, to conform to a society that only thinks we’re fuckable if we look like twelve year old girls, WHAT THE HELL IS THAT @%$#@%$#, but I digress, why would you put up with the inconvenience and the pain in the literal and figurative and quite possibly moral pain in the ass to get a Brazilian wax and then wear a FUZZY BROWN CASHMERE STRING BIKINI?

Who are the ad wizards?

fall into the gap, indeed.
x

Sky's Falling, Sky's Falling, Sky's Falling, shit shit shit

Shit
Shit
What do we do
What do we do
Goddamit, it hit me on the head again
What is it?
WHAT THE FUCK IS IT?
It's coming out of the sky!
Ok ok ok
Don't panic
Don't panic
Shit, car accident over there
Don't panic
Ok
Is there cat food in the earthquake kit? 
Is there?
I don't remember
Shit
Shit
Fuck, another accident
Ok
Ok
Almost home
What the hell IS this stuff? 
Ok
If I run from the car to the door will it hurt me?
Shit
Shit
Should I run?
What the hell are those white things in the sky? 
Fuck!  What are those!
Why wasn't there anything on the radio about this?
Ok
Don't panic
Jesus, my nails are a mess
Ok
Ok
That guy's running
He looks ok
Wait-
wait...
Oh.
Ok, I though he was going zombie but he was just grabbing the door.
Ok.
Ok.
I can do this.
I can do this.
Ok.
Oh shit oh shit it's getting on me
It's getting on me
Shitshitshit
Holy crap.
Ok.
Ok.
I'm not burned.
Is it.. what is it?
What the-
Is it water?
It can't be.
It's something that has no taste or smell.
Like carbon monoxide but liquid.
Can't be water. 
Water doesn't come out of the sky.
Jesus.
Ok.
Ok.
Fuck.
CNN
CNN
CNN
Why the hell isn't this on CNN?
What the... it's not on any channel?
LA is being attacked by liquid carbon monoxide and not even a break into programming?
Ok.
Ok.
The white things.
They're moving.
They're moving away.
Toward the 101.
Keep going white things.
Fuck.
Damn.
Deep breath.
Deeeeep, cleansing breath.
HOLY SHIT!  WHAT HAPPENED TO MY HAIR?????

she went all, ow you say, pooofeé
x

BMW Owner PRIZE!

Yaaaaaaaay, White BMW Driver at La Cienega between the 10 on-ramp and Venice Boulevard!  You win a prize.  Here's why:

1) Use of turn signal!  Woot!
b) THANK YOU WAVE! 

Good job, nice BMW lady!  Whosagoodgirl! Whoooooooseagoodgirl!

In addition to these, you also looked over your shoulder before turning into my lane, and you tuned right into the lane closest to the right, as required by law!  Gold stars!

BMW people, take not of your exceedingly well behaved sister.  Or else.

weimarrrrific!
x

BMW Owners: Special Breed, or just Plain Ol' Assholes?

Full disclosure:  I once owned a 1978 BMW something or other for about two seconds before I wrecked it.   I was never so happy to suffer from cerebral hematoma-induced vertigo and nausea in my entire life.

Seriously though, WHAT'S THE DEAL (/seinfeld) with BMW owners?  Are they eugenic fucking mutants, somehow loosed upon an unsuspecting world?  Are they hatched in some Bavarian lab?  Are you required to take a DNA and/or MMPI test before you're allowed to purchase a precious Ultimate Driving Machine?

Horrible Sad Tragic Valentine's News!

As long as I've lived in my fahbulous! West Hollywood pad, Dear Reader, I've driven by Splash, The Relaxation Spa on 3rd Street on my way to work every day.

Ever since its shout out on Kid Notorious, in which Evans predicted he would find Tom Cruise there, though I'm not really sure why he thought that, I've loved good old reliable Splash The Relaxation Spa even more, because anything that comes out of Evans' mouth is GOLD.

How many places can claim to be "Like Valentines Day... Every Day!"  How many places do you know of, Dear Reader, where you can find hourly hot tub rentals for entertaining?  How many spas do you know of have dark black mirrored glass fronts, so no one can see you're in there, so that you can escape the paparazzi and just chill with your sweetheart?  I mean, really! 

OH! THAT must be why Tom Cruise is liable to be there.  Ok, I get it now.

Well, anyway, I was driving into work today, Dear Reader, giggling about something Joe on indie103.1 was saying, when I nearly caused a wreck upon seeing THIS:

(ok, pretend there's a picture here of Splash with the for rent sign on it and I'll put it up tomorrow)

NO! On THIS day, of all days, on VALENTINE'S DAY, for goodness' sake, how can Splash be gone?  Over?  Kaput?  Closed down by one or more branches of the California Department of Health, the ASPCA, The Church of Scientology, and/or Greenpeace?  HOW?

I mean, just because I never see anyone there, you know, during regular office hours, doesn't mean anything.  Right?  Who wants to hot tub with their friends away from the prying eyes of the public during daylight anyway?  That's totally a post clubbing thing.  See?  So I wasn't worried. 

It all happened so suddenly.

And I'm not the only one shocked - SHOCKED! - to see them go.  Why, just look at what these poor folks had to say about their beloved Splash The Relaxation Spa!

"So depressing.  First, there is really no parking to be had. ... When we finally got to the room, The Monte Carlo, it was dark, wet and creepy. The aquarium had only one fish in it --- a gross catfish like creature. So low rent that it wasn't even fun. We got out of there fast and went home to shower.

• Pros: none
• Cons: everything
• Overall user rating: Not Recommended"             

Well, parking CAN be very depressing in West Hollywood, Dear Reader, I will admit.  That's why I walk everywhere!  But don't let it get you down, poor Splash clientele, at night there's hardly anyone on the street.

"Don't be fooled into believing that this is a ritzy, epicurean spa where you go to relax in comfort and luxury. This is a low class, overpriced meeting place for those in search of a "good time." The rooms are small, the showers are two-headed and there is a matress in every room!!! Hello??? Ladies: if a man takes you there, run because he doesn't think much of you. Gentlemen: if a woman takes you there, she's easy (which may or not be a good thing)- you decide. The only good thing is that your water is completely changed 10 times more often than required by law, but it should be because unsavory acts and liberated fluids warrant this kind of sanitation procedure.

• Pros: Open 'til 4 AM, Cheap motel in hiding                     
• Cons: Overpriced, Tacky                     
• Overall user rating: Not Recommended"             

You know, come to think of it, I don't think I've ever seen any ladies anywhere around Splash - though I have noticed some very tall ladies up on Sunset, I mean, they must be Amazons or something! - so I don't think this commenter has anything to worry about!  And anything "tacky" they might feel in their suite, well, that can be wiped right off with some Formula 409.

"This is the best place to go and get freaky or to simply hide out.    

• Pros: confidential
• Cons: prices                    
• Overall user rating: Average"           

Yes, whenever I freak out, Dear Reader, I do just like to hide out for a while, confidentially relaxing in the hot tub and letting it all hang out.  Sometimes I just need to unwind!

So you see, Dear Reader, this unfortunate turn of events is nothing less than a National, or West Hollywood-wide, at least, DISASTER.  Call your congressperson or city councilman today!  In fact, I think I saw mine at Splash just last week!

i'm making up a new word: über + ewwwwww = üewwwwwwwber
x

Debi Mazar Drives a Big Fat Cadillac.

This is turning into a kick-ass parking deck, Dear Reader.  Right here in the 90210.

And by "here," I mean "there," as I don't even live in the 90069 anymore.   Sigh.

Anyhoo.  Add Ms. Mazar to the list of stars who drive their own cars and park them themselves in the one hour free deck next to Rite Aid on Bedford.  You know the one I'm talking about.  Near Sprinkles.

Now, Ms. M, if we can just chat about the what, TWO miles to the gallon you MIGHT get even if you aren't stuck in parking deck traffic?   Hmmmm?  This is a big ass car, y'all.  I thought it was a Bentley at first.  But one simply does NOT drive her own Bentley, now does she?

Of course she doesn't.  Good going, Deb.

One time, in band camp when we lived in Mexico, we drove from Mexico City to Chicago for out yearly "get tourist Visas to live in the country full time" jaunt.  Yes, I said DROVE.  Look on the map - it's not the kind of drive you want to make with a six year old, a three year old, half a pack of cigarettes, and a full tank of gas, sunglasses notwithstanding... especially if you have to carry two full containers of gas in the trunk because you're driving through the fucking SONORAN DESERT IN A GOD DAMNED FORD LTD.  And by LTD, Dear Reader, I do believe they were referring to the range of the car. 

TWO CONTAINERS OF GAS... IN THE TRUNK!!!!

Again, I encourage you to look at a map, Dear Reader.  I remember it being an eight hour FLIGHT.  Next to this idea, the "using gasoline as charcoal starter" idea was one of my father's better ones. 

Well, I take that back - at least he never set me on fire with the car.

Yet.

CELEBRITY VERDICT: Drives herself, looks pretty nice actually, that better be a freaking hybrid, young lady!

ok- how do you kickstart a Vespa again?
mlle_x

Exciting Nerd News!

Previously on Exciting Nerd News... this awesome comment which is giving me a laugh induced asthma attack.  Who knew my coworkers could be so funny?  Mine eyes have been opened.  My real, working, non-vestigial eyes, that is.

And now... Exciting Nerd News.

I was waiting for the elevator in a parking deck in Beverly Hills - the one where the Candidate for President of the World holds court.  As the elevator door opens, a guy comes up next to me and kind of huffs in a combination of laughter and "whatevs" at the Candidate's salutation to "Quadruple Handsome - and Quadruple Beautiful too!"

We escape into the elevator.

I notice the gent is carrying a big bag from Sprinkles Cupcakes - a really big bag, considering it has cupcakes in it, which are, in general, rather wee.  Now, I've been driving past Sprinkles for a while, and you can't help but notice the huge line out the door all the time (though apparently one may jump to the head of the line if she calls ahead).

I mentioned as much to him - or tried to, as he immediately offered an enthusiastic rejoinder:

"Oh, you haven't been?  Oh, you're doing yourself a great disservice walking past there (he missed that part where I drive past; in fact, I think I hadn't even gotten those words out yet... he's VERY enthusiastic about Sprinkles)!  You HAVE to go in..."

His voice is familiar, but he's still talking about Sprinkles. 

"You absolutely have to go in, you have no idea what you're missing."

I look up at him for the first time. 

IT'S DATA.

I murmur something along the lines of, "yes, I must; I always see a long line..." and Data practically bursts with joy, "Let me tell you something... the Red Velvet is INCREDIBLE."

And with that, he cupcakes his way off the elevator (Data drives himself!  And doesn't valet!) with a smile and a "You have to go!"

As soon as the door closes I burst out laughing.  How hilarious is Data lecturing one on cupcakes?  It's positronically redonk!

I wish I could have told him about my friend in college who is allergic to red food coloring, so his mom makes an Aqua Velva (Flammable until dry. Do not apply near fire, flame or heat. Avoid storing above 100°F) cake instead.

Celebrity Verdict: Super nice man, loves the Red Velvet cupcakes.

where do I get my cupcake chip installed?
mlle_x